Monday, 17 October 2011

The Citizenship Test - a much-needed correction

Prakash raised an interesting point the other day. Chap showed me a test on the interwebbing thingummy which contained a "Citizenship Test" the bally government are insisting anyone coming into Britain should take before we hand them a passport.

For those without interwebbing access, the test questions cover downright odd subjects such as when women gained the legal right to divorce their husbands (surely the correct response is "Why on earth would they want to?") rather than sensible matters of English culture and manners. With this in mind, I have devised a more suitable test for prospective migrants, as follows:

1. Do you love or hate Marmite?
A Love it
B Hate it
C What's marmite?
D One prefers gentleman/s relish

2. At a crowded station, someody has just put down their unreasonably large suitcase full of bricks on your foot. You respond:
C Shove the case off your foot and punch the owner
D "I'm terribly sorry, but could you possibly move your case so I can remove my foot, if it's not too much trouble?"

3. Apart from bowled, caught, run out, stumped, hit wicket, LBW and timed out, a batsman can be given out in which three ways?
A Died of boredom, gave up, fell asleep
B Used an illegal bat, punched the umpire, abused the wicket-keeper
C Handled the ball, obstructed the field, hit the ball twice
D Stole the ball, set fire to the wicket, ravaged Bill Frindle

4. Which of the following is the correct order of precedence for the aristocracy?
A Duke, Viscount, Marquess, Earl
B Duke, Earl, Marquess, Viscount
C Earl, Viscount, Marquess, Duke
D Viscount, Duke, Earl, Marquess

5. On Minden Day, officers of The Fusiliers are required to eat -
A Marmite
B An unreasonably large suitcase full of bricks
C A rose
D A Frenchman. Raw.

6. What should one do with one's half-smoked cigar during the loyal toast?
A Place it safely in the nearest Welchman's eye
B Hold it discreetly in the left hand while raising one's glass with the right
C I don't smoke
D Lighting up before the loyal toast? Are you a colonial?

7. The Welch live...
A Underground
B In Wales
C In Whales
D Until we've reloaded

8. In what year did the Scotch gain the right to enter York after dark without being shot?
A 1232
B 1603
C 1707
D It hasn't happened yet

9. Do you hunt?
A Yes
B No
C Yes. With a gun.
D I'm against all blood sports

10. How much of the genuine Citizenship Test is total and utter poppycock?
A 52%
B 58%
C 62%
D 93%


  1. All well and good, Marmo, although Petronella's beau Thornton of the FCO says you need only wave a hefty wad of banknotes to be allowed in most times, especially if you're Chinee.

    These questions appear to be admirable, but I suggest replacing "9. Do you hunt?" with "Who do you hunt with, eh?". That ought to winnow the list down.



  2. Oh poo. I'm really stuck on some of these. I've been Googling since last night, but I think I'm going to be mostly B...
    So where is the insightful paragraph to tell me what mostly B's means?

  3. For'ners need tae ken their malt brews, annat goes dooble fur th' musleem. Keep up th' guid wark chappos. -Angus McDonald, Dingwall