Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Et tu, Daily Telegraph?

Choked on m'kedgeree the other day at a front page headline in The Daily Telegraph, announcing that 'experts' (presumably the sort with pale complexions, clammy hands and long gaberdine overcoats) have said that, and I quote, 'not all porn is bad', and that Britannia's sons and daughters should be exposed to cinematographs of 'Continental goings-on' as part of their education.

After my feelings of dread horror receded, the thought struck me - as thoughts occasionally do - that were the government to ban all pornography except educational films made by the Daily Telegraph, important life-lessons could be blended in with the naughtiness to the benefit of all. I then sat down to pen a draft script for such a work. As the editors have yet to respond, thought it best to place it as a work-in-progress directly before the public.

[Scene 1: A bright sunny day at Lustington Manor, home of Lord Lustington-Cantaloupe in the pleasant Wiltshire village of Bell End (telegraphic address: Lusty Melons, Bell End Wilts). There is a crisp knock at the door and his Lordship's daughter, the Hon Petronella Lustington-Cantaloupe sashays down the hall in a fetching tweed twin-set to open it herself, servants being so difficult to retain these days. Outside is a tall, muscular man carrying a tool-grip.]
"Good morning m'lady. My name is Algernon Shagby-Foxwell. I've come to restore the Rembrandt."
"Well in that case I think you had better use the tradesmen's entrance."
"I mean the side door, you oik!" [She shuts the door firmly in his face]

[Scene 2 - The master bedroom. Lord Lustington-Cantaloupe is being dressed by the Filipina maid, Miss Belladomina Bangabang]
"Ooh - let me just feel this in my hand! Mmm! It is so heavy! [gasps] But where is the other one?"
"If mem'ry serves me right, it's hangin' on a barbed-wire fence just outside Kohima."
"You poor man! But why were you wearing Old Harrovian cufflinks in the Burmese jungle anyway?"
"I was incognito." [To be continued, and so on and so forth]

All suggestions, constructive criticism and offers of funding and so forth gratefully received.